Disclaimer: This post is exclusively for women/girls with ADD/ADHD, however (men) you might find that you can identify with a lot of these things too. That being said, I DO NOT want a bunch of emails/comments saying “WELL WHAT ABOUT BOYS/MEN?!” I can’t speak to your experience (because I’m a woman) and women are often misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. So please, refrain from making this about you. Cause sweetie, it’s not.
Dear girls/women with ADD/ADHD (whether you’re diagnosed or not)
I see you. I see you struggling to remember, I see you not wanting to interrupt but being SO excited to have something that contributes to the conversation, I see you talking “too much,” I see you grasping for the “want to” to do basic tasks that you just can’t seem to make yourself do. I see you missing out on social gatherings because you either believe you don’t have any friends or you just forgot what day it was. I see you wanting so badly to get “better,” do “better,” but you just can’t seem to get there. I see you struggling with consistency and discipline. I see you on your period when meds aren’t cutting it and your emotions are getting to you. I see you when you feel things harder and fuller than most other humans, or you’re so fiercely rational that your friends accuse you of being “cold.”
Girl. I see you. I am you.
Girls are often misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Why is this? Because we’re hardly ever the “H.” Sure, we can be impulsive and overly energetic. But not NEAR to the extent that most boys are. So doctors/medical providers, educators (as much as I hate to admit it,) and even OUR OWN FAMILY dismiss us as being one or all of the following things:
- Incompetent
- Lazy
- Dismissive
- Rude
- Forgetful
- A bad friend
- Overemotional… and a whole bunch of other things.
So here are some things I’ve learned over the course of my 26 years of living with this awesome (in both the good and the bad way) disorder.
Your ADHD is REAL.
Believe me, I have a fair share of people in my life (not close) that believe ADHD doesn’t exist, especially in girls. It’s a “boy’s disease,” if anything. And they barely believe that boys have it too. They believe you can grow out of it. Or they ignore it completely because they just want you to be “normal.” Girl, I’m here to tell you this: What is going on in your brain is REAL. The balance of chemicals in your brain, your neurotransmitters, or whatever ADHD really comes from, it is real.Just because people don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s fake or it doesn’t really effect your life. You are not any of the things listed above or a lot of the negative terms used to describe you. You literally have a disorder that makes certain things like remembering, planning, organization, and consistency (almost) IMPOSSIBLE.
Your ADHD is EMBRACEABLE.
I believe that as women, there is a special societal pressure on us to be soft, quiet, demure, polite, and selfless to the point of total exhaustion. We’re supposed to make our bodies, personalities, emotions, goals, and dreams as small as possible. We’re not supposed to stir the pot or make anyone feel uncomfortable with the things that I just mentioned. We’re supposed to be the perfect housekeeper/wife (if that’s your situation,) the perfect mother, the perfect student, the perfect whatever.
All of these things are the opposite not only of ADHD, but of human nature. As women with ADHD, we feel big, we love hard, we don’t clean (or at least I don’t) we struggle to pick up on societal cues. We have to be told in no uncertain terms what is expected of us, multiple times. Instead of trying to make yourself something you’re not, embrace yourself for all that you are. Like I want you to take a second while you’re reading this blog post and make a list of positive things that you are because of (not in spite of) your ADHD. It only took me about 3 minutes to do this. Here’s mine:
- Writer
- Loving
- Empathetic
- Passionate
- Problem-solver
Your ADHD is YOURS.
ADHD doesn’t look the same on everyone. Sure, there are some common factors, but the way my ADHD manifests itself is going to be pretty different from each and every one of you.
Girl, you are not normal, so stop trying. Normal is not real. Focus (which I know is hard) on being yourself. And I know everyone says that, but then they’ll turn around and try to sell you something that doesn’t fit that narrative. Since I’m not trying to sell you anything, I can be truly honest with you. Life is too short to hate yourself or anything about you. Now, that is not to say that we shouldn’t always be trying to be better people, but when we fall short, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. We write our own stories with our self-talk, and the mind is a powerful thing. So because I love you and I’ve been you, ADHD girl:
stop hating, STOP IT. Start loving.
ADHD isn’t a leaky faucet or a wobbly chair. It cannot be fixed. Stop wasting energy, time, and life trying. The healthiest thing in my personal opinion is to become a problem solver. Take your reality, and see what you can do about it. When you’re struggling with something due to your ADHD, think to yourself “This is my reality, what can I do about it?” Then REALLY try to help yourself grow in this area. This is a part of self care and self love. Loving yourself doesn’t mean never changing or growing and just accepting how things are. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Girl, I need you to love yourself enough to grow. Your reality doesn’t have to stay your reality. Your mindset can change.
I hope that you enjoyed what you read today and that you were able to get something out of it. If you have any ideas for future blog posts or would like to give feedback on this one, email me at fightprayteach@gmail.com. Here’s a taste of what’s coming up next:
- Coping mechanisms:How you don’t have to let your ADHD control you
- Stories from ADHD educators: How being neurodiverse affects your practice
The ADD Educator 